Most adults fall in love four times over the course of their lifetime. You could debate that definition—after all, what about crushes, infatuation, or beginning to fall in love?
No matter you define love, many people cycle through all the stages of a relationship without knowing what they are. If you don’t know the patterns you’re creating, you may be doomed to repeat them.
Every relationship shifts and evolves over time. It’s important to ensure that you know what you’re getting into. Depending on who you ask, the stages of a relationship range from four to five.
If you’re wondering what stage you’re in, let’s get started!
1. The Merge
Most experts call each stage a different name! Whether you call it the merge, infatuation, puppy love, the honeymoon stage, or the romance phase, it’s the first step toward a long-term relationship.
It’s during this phase that many people figure out lust vs. love. Do they love the person, or are they merely attracted to them? Out of all the phases in a relationship, this is the one that gets the most buzz in romcoms and TV shows.
Romantic relationships often start with feel-good hormones, obsession, and what experts call a suspension of negative judgment. Say that your spouse is a messy person.
You didn’t care when you started dating them. In fact, it added to their spontaneous charm. Now that you’ve been married for a few years, why does that mess bother you?
There are a few reasons. Potential resentment, lack of communication, and repeated offenses are all common causes. However, it’s also because there is less activity in your prefrontal cortex when you’re falling in love. In other words, the part of your brain that judges people goes quiet when you are falling in love.
What Happens in the Merge Stage?
In the merge stage, you want to be around the other person all the time. Boundaries may blur and intimacy may be at an all-time high. During this stage, your brain is pumping out oxytocin, dopamine, and other endorphins.
That’s why you feel happy when you’re in love. Your brain is full of feel-good hormones that are all associated with this particular person. In other words, your brain is setting you up for a form of addiction. That’s why you get that little dopamine hit whenever they text you back!
2. Doubt
The merge stage can last up to two years. While it’s difficult to maintain long-term infatuation, the honeymoon stage does come to a halt around the two-year mark.
At this point, many people describe approaching their love life with pragmatism. There are conflicts to resolve, incompatibilities to address, and issues to work through.
At this stage, you should be able to see any red flags loud and clear. Your brain isn’t working quite as hard to pump out so many feel-good hormones, and you’ll be able to see more clearly.
Think of this as an initial testing ground for your relationship. You’ll need to start working through real-life scenarios and seeing how your partner handles them. At this point, you should be able to gauge on a basic level if they’re right for you or not.
This is the first real crucible for your relationship. It’s important to note that some people don’t hit this phase until later, or even for a little while after they are married.
3. Disillusionment
If you have lots of married friends, you may notice that many seem to be ‘getting divorced all at the same time.’ Something seems to happen around the three, five, and seven-year mark.
At this point, many people have had children together. They’ve experienced career changes, housing changes, fights with their in-laws, and other crises. After three or seven years, you know someone very well.
It’s at this point that you may see more things that bother you about the other person. This is often when many couples divorce.
This is dangerous territory if you don’t communicate. If your relationship is characterized by sweeping issues under the rug, they may all blow up in your face during this stage.
4. Decision
In other words, this is the ‘what happens now?’ stage of your relationship. This is often when many couples are mature enough to seek out tools that help them communicate and understand each other better.
Marriage counseling and individual therapy are a godsend during this stage. Rather than being frustrated, many couples find that they understand each other better once they’ve been given the right tools to communicate.
Of course, not every relationship can or should be fixed. In this scenario, some couples choose to divorce or part ways permanently. This often gives both parties an opportunity to seek more compatible partners, or to address issues that sabotaged the relationship in the first place with a marriage helper.
5. Contentment
Before we address the final relationship stage, remember that these phases are not final and linear. Just because you’ve been with your spouse for fifteen years doesn’t mean that you can’t experience puppy love with them again.
All relationship phases are cyclical. There’s no rule that says your relationship will experience all these phases, or that you will progress in a linear fashion. Embrace your relationship’s progression for what it is and what you want it to be.
The contentment phase is the one that most people associate with elderly couples. Have you seen that elderly couple that is so in sync and so contented in each other’s company? That’s the contentment phase.
It’s the contentment that comes from knowing your partner loves, cares about, respects, and appreciates you. They’ve seen you through life’s crises and always had your back. It’s a special phase, and it’s a favorite for many couples out there!
Progressing Through the Stages of a Relationship
In all stages of a relationship, it’s important to respect your partner for who they are and who they will become. It’s equally important to respect your own needs. This will help you decide whether to stick with it or whether to walk away.
